French in Canada

(Under construction)  Since the introduction of official bilingualism in Canada in 1969, valliant attempts have been made by Candians of all ilks to respond positively to the challenges of both languages, and in particular to the need to translate one to the other.  These efforts have resulted in major changes in the way cereal boxes are designed, and given rise to some wonderfully creative language.  I am collecting examples (authentic) and would be grateful for additions to this list. 

Please send me more.

Ever had Problems with English Pronunciation?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

15) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

16) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

17) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Crazy English

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. 

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Drive on parkways and park on driveways?  Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed:
Desperate Wife (keep reading)

-----Reply Separator-----

Dear Desperate Wife,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, Happyhour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" wave files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Keep-a-nice-body 10.1.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommendFlowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support

It seemed like a good idea at the time

A class of elementary students wanted to make a planter to take home and needed a plant that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants. 

The students planted the cactus seeds in the planters and they grew nicely, but unfortunately they were not allowed to take them home.

Click here to see why.

The cactus plants were removed and a small ivy replaced them. The children were then allowed to take them home.

Quotations from women about women 

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. [Helen Hayes, at 73]

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. [Janette Barber]

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. [Jan King]

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. [Carrie Snow]

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. [Laurie Kuslansky]

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. [Erma Bombeck]

Old age ain't no place for sissies. [Bette Davis]

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. [Rhonda Hansome]

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. [Jane Sellman]

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. [Jennifer Unlimited]

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. [Caryn Leschen]

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. [Jennifer Unlimited]

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. [Catherine Aird]

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss; and they called ME slow! [Kathy Buckley]

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. [Dolly Parton]

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. [Erica Jong]

If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]

I'm not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne Barr]

I think - therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. [Elayne Boosler]

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. [Maryon Pearson]

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. [Gloria Steinem]

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that  swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. [Marie Corelli]

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? [Linda Ellerbee]

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. [Zsa Zsa Gabor]

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.[Eleanor Roosevelt]

Thoughts from George Bush

Some fun Bush sites: http://www.andyfoulds.co.uk/amusement/bushv2.htm

Here is a selection of genuine remarks made by American President George Bush, arranged for aesthetic purposes by Richard Thompson of the Washington Post. 

Make The Pie Higher

This is still a dangerous  world
It's a world of madmen and
uncertainty and potential mental losses

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the
Internet become more few? 
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me 
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity
I know that the human being and the fish can co-exist
Families is where our nation finds hope, where our wings take dream

Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher! Make the pie higher!

The following is not Bush specific. It can be easily modified to apply to future presidents, prime ministers and the like:

Secret Code

From his underground bunker, Saddam Insane sent George W. a letter in his own handwriting to
announce that he is still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it contained a message:
370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure out the code so he emailed it to Colin Powell.Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and FBI, then to MIT and NASA and the Secret Service... the list got longer and longer.Eventually they asked an elderly Navajo, Cecil Begay, one of the WWII Navajo Codetalkers. Mr. Begay took one look at it and replied: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down."

English Pronunciation for Foreigners by TSW

I take it you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough?
Others may stumble, but not you
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and though?
Well done! And now you wish perhaps
To learn of less familiar traps?

Beware of heard, a dreadful word
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead: it's said like bed, not bead - 
For goodness sake don't call it deed!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
they rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not a moth in mother,
nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
nor dear and fear for bear and pear,
and then there's dose and rose and lose -
just look them up - and goose and choose.

And cork and work and card and ward,
and font and front and word and sword,
and do and go and thwart and cart - 
come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive,
I'd mastered it when I was five.
 

What sex are angels, what gender is computer?

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. "House," in French, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?" The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary. So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
 

Men's Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the Rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1." ON PURPOSE!

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.  Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present...yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that? It's like camping.

The Japanese, the French, and the Anglos

Consider the following nutrition facts:

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans. The French drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

New Buzzwords for 2002 (portmanteau words, neologisms, etc.)

BLAMESTORMING: 
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. 

SEAGULL MANAGER: 
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves. 

ASSMOSIS: 
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard. 

SALMON DAY: 
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end. 

CUBE FARM: 
An office filled with cubicles. 

PRAIRIE DOGGING: 
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. 

MOUSE POTATO: 
The on-line answer to the couch potato. 

SITCOM: 
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. 

STARTER MARRIAGE: 
A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. 

STRESS PUPPY: 
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. 

SWIPEOUT: 
An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. 

XEROX SUBSIDY: 
Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. 

IRRITAINMENT: 
Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trial was a prime example. Bill Clinton's Grand Jury testimony is another. 

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: 
The fine art of whacking the shit out of an electronic device to get it to work again. 

VULCAN NERVE PINCH: 
The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for some computer commands. 

ADMINISPHERE: 
The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. 

404: 
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. 

GENERICA: 
Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. 

OHNOSECOND: 
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. 

WOOFYS: 
Well Off Older Folks 

Idiots' Corner

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We  recently had a new  neighbor call the local township administrative office to  request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too  many  deer were being hit by cars and she didn't  want them to cross  there  anymore.

AIRPORT IDIOT: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when  an airport employee  asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage  without your knowledge?" To which I  replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" She smiled knowingly and  nodded, "That's  why  we ask."

PEDESTRIAN IDIOT: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe  to cross the street. I  was crossing with a coworker of  mine when she  asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I  explained that it signals  blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"

GARAGE IDIOT: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in  it.  We went to the service department  and found a mechanic working  feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.  As I watched from the  passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that  it was  unlocked.  "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know     -     I already got  that side."

35 Things To Do On An Elevator

1)      When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2)      Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
3)      Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
4)      Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let  the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
5)      Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
6)      Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
7)      When the doors close, use duct tape and work furiously to tape the doors together. Ask for help.
8)      Leave your 12-foot long python alone in the elevator.
9)      Turn off the lights in the elevator to "conserve energy."
10)     Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
11)     Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12)     Clean your gun.
13)     Ask, "Did you feel that?"
14)     Dressed in coveralls, get in a full elevator and when the door closes, push the stop button, post an "out of order" sign inside and go to work on the access panel, saying "This may take a minute."
15)     Push the call button, and when the voice answers ask,"God?" 
16)     Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
17)     When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic,they open up again."
18)     Push your floor button with your tongue. 
19)     Swat at flies that don't exist.
20)     Ask people not to look, and then change your clothes.
21)     When people get on, ask for their tickets and check that they meet the"height" requirements.
22)     Jump rope.
23)     Bring a shovel and try to dig a hole.
24)     Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
25)     Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
26)     Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
27)     Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call  you Admiral.
28)     Meow occasionally.
29)     Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
30)     Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.
31) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope. 
32)     Say "Ding" at each floor.
33)     Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
34)     Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
35)     When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
 

Handy Rearrangements of English Words and Phrases

When you rearrange the letters of the first word or phrase, you get the second:

GEORGE BUSH > HE BUGS GORE 
DORMITORY >DIRTY ROOM 
EVANGELIST > EVIL'S AGENT 
PRESBYTERIAN > BEST IN PRAYER 
DESPERATION > A ROPE ENDS IT 
THE MORSE CODE > HERE COME DOTS 
SLOT MACHINES > CASH LOST IN ME 
ANIMOSITY > IS NO AMITY 
MOTHER-IN-LAW > WOMAN HITLER 
SNOOZE ALARMS > ALAS! NO MORE Z'S 
A DECIMAL POINT > I'M A DOT IN PLACE 
THE EARTHQUAKES > THAT QUEER SHAKE 
ELEVEN PLUS TWO > TWELVE PLUS ONE 

And for the grand finale: 

PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no 
letters left over and using each letter only once):TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS 

Les perles de la presse française

* Elle est décédée mortellement.

* Ses dernières paroles furent un silence farouche.

* L'église étant en travaux, ses obsèques ont été célébrées à la salle 
des fêtes.

* Tous portaient une crèpe à la boutonnière.

* Vers 18h30, la brigade canine arrive. Tout le monde est sur les dents. 
(La Voix du Nord, 25/02/1995)

* Le monte-en-l'air a finalement été appréhendé par une patrouille de 
voltigeurs.

* L'arrestation s'est opérée sans infusion de sang.

* Comme il s'agissait d'un sourd, la police dut pour l'interroger avoir 
recours à l'alphabet braille.

* Cet ancien haltérophile est accusé de vols à l'arraché.

* Il naquit dans la voiture que transportait sa mère à l'hopital.

* Issu de la France profonde, il fut quelque temps mineur. Puis il 
pustula à de plus hautes fonctions.

* Ayant débuté comme simple fossoyeur, il a, depuis, fait son trou.

* Depuis quelques mois, il emplit une secrétaire.

* Plus solide et moins infalsifiable, le nouveau permis de conduire est
arrivé. (l'Yonne Républicaine, 25/11/1994)

* Deux conducteurs étaient interpellés par les gendarmes en état 
d'ivresse. (Var Matin, 13/07/1994)

* Détail navrant, cette personne avait déjà été victime l'an dernier 
d'un accident mortel.

* Il a été superficiellement égorgé au bras.

* Quand vous doublez un cycliste, laissez lui toujours la place de 
tomber. (Le Républicain Lorrain, 14/08/1954)

* On faisait la queue, hier, en face du trou de la place de la Motte. 
(La Montagne, 01/10/1995)

* Là-bas, la main de l'homme n'a jamais mis les pieds.

* Le climat et les eaux sont très humides.

* Les mosquées sont très nombreuses car les musulmans sont très chrétiens.

* La conférence sur la constipation sera suivie d'un pot amical. 
(Ouest-France, 12/08/1995)

* Ses hémorroïdes l'empêchait de fermer l'oeil.

* Il y aura un appareil de réanimation dernier cri.

* Chasse: Moins de cerfs, mais plus nombreux. (Dernieres nouvelles 
d'Alsace, 14/03/1993)

* Il remue la queue en cadence comme un soldat à la parade.

* C'est un chasseur, qui ne voulant pas rentrer bredouille, s'est tué...

* Tombola de la Société Bayonnaise des Amis des Oiseaux: le numéro 5963 
gagne un fusil de chasse. (Sud-Ouest 24/11/1956)

* A aucun moment le Christ n'a baissé les bras.

* Il s'agit de financer les réparations du presbytère qui a brûlé le 
jour de la fête des Cendres.

* Tampax: le nouveau coup de sang de la CGT. (La Nouvelle République de 
Tours, 05/01/1994)

* Le syndicat des inséminateurs fait appel à la vigueur de ses membres.

* Les brasseurs sont sous pression.

* Les kinés se sont massés contre les grilles de la préfecture.

* Visiblement, la victime a été étranglée à coups de couteau.

* A Montaigu, la fête du 1er mai aura lieu le 1er mai.

* C'est la foire des veaux et des porcs: venez nombreux ! (La Vie 
Correzienne, 09/05/1954)

* Il a applaudit à pleins poumons.

* Robinson harcèle son adversaire par de durs gauches des deux mains. 
(La Resistance de l'Ouest, 11/12/1950)

* Journée du sang: s'inscrire à la boucherie.

* Parmi les nombreux lots: un chariot élévateur, un cric hydraulique, 
500 kg de briques, une portée de porcelets, une paire de draps pour un 
lit à deux places,...

* Véritable Pub anglais : spécialite couscous.

* Chien perdu: policier à poil ras et queue noire.

* Suite à ce succès, les acteurs se reproduiront devant vous.

* Une bicyclette ne peut avancer que mise en mouvement. 
(L'Intransigeant, 14/12/1906)

* Cette attaque frappe les hommes politiques mais aussi les honnêtes gens.

Perles d'étudiants

La France est entourée de quatre océans.  Mais la géographie ne s'arrête pas là. [...]

Gabrielle Roy a eu une enfance difficile. Elle a grossi dans la pauvreté.
 

Budding Novelists

Future Novelists... These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with
vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the east river.

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

"Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame.  Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Why We Love Kids

NUDITY 
I was driving with my three young children one warm 
summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood 
up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from 
the  shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 
"Mom!  That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" 

 HONESTY 
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to 
tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished 
it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking 
for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my 
toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little 
smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in 
the toilet a few days ago. 

OPINIONS 
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his 
teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 
"The opinions expressed by this child are not 
necessarily those of his parents." 

KETCHUP 
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of 
the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 
4-year -old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, 
Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy 
can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting 
the bottle." 

MORE NUDITY 
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in 
the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into 
shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The 
little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter 
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?" 

POLICE # 1 
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary 
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. 
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" 
 "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother 
said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" 
"Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she 
extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?" 

POLICE # 2 
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in 
front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, 
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is 
that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. 
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. 
Finally he said, "What'd he do?" 

ELDERLY 
While working for an organization that delivers lunches 
to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my 
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various 
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. 
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a 
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, 
she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe 
this!" 

DRESS-UP 
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. 
When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you 
shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You 
know that it always gives you a headache the next morning." 

DEATH 
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, 
our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made 
his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his 
playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should 
be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton 
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the 
deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the 
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of 
what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the 
Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ...... and into the hole he gooooes." 

SCHOOL 
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 
"I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. 
 "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!" 

BIBLE 
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. 
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible.   He picked up the object and looked at it. What  he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed   in between the pages.  "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out. 
" What have you got there, dear?"  With astonishment in the young boy's  voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.

Famous quips

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."  - Stephen Bishop 

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator."  - John Bright 

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."  -  Winston Churchill 

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."  -Winston Churchill 
 
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."  - Irvin S. Cobb 
 
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow 
 
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway) 
 
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner) 
 
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas 

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson 

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating 
 
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr 
 
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard 
 
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln 

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But, this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx 

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -Robert Redford 

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed 

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."- James Reston (about Richard Nixon) 

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand 

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker 

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain 

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying  I approved of  it." - Mark Twain 

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West 
 
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde 

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde 

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) 

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

The Panda Story, or The importance of punctuation

A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then fires a gun into the air. On his way out, he tosses a dog-eared wildlife manual at the confused bartender, and directs him to the entry marked panda. The bartender reads: "Panda. Large black and white, bearlike mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Interview Jokes

Some interviewers now ask the interviewee to tell a joke.  Here are some useful ones, all except the last.

An American was going for a job interview in the English countryside and on the way out he asked a local farmer for directions, "Excuse me dude, could you possibly tell me the quickest way to London?" The farmer said: "You driving or walking, lad?" The American replied: "Driving." The farmer nodded, saying: "Yup, definitely the quickest way."

A ragged piece of string went into a pub and asked for a drink. "Are you over 18?" asked the barman. "No," replied the string, "I'm a frayed knot."

A visitor to a monastery was being shown round by the abbot when a monk shouted out: "64!" All the other monks roared with laughter. Another then called out "15", again much laughter. "What's going on?" asked the visitor. "They know each other's jokes inside out," said the abbott. "So rather than tell them each time, they've numbered them. If one calls out a number, they think of the joke and laugh. Have a go..." The visitor called out "45" and there was a small ripple of polite laughter. "I'm afraid," said the Abbot, "that's not very funny, try again." So the visitor called out "56" and there was uproar. "Must have been a good joke." "Yes," said the abbot wiping his eyes. "And we've never heard it before."

Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.

What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

You can always tell a Yorkshireman, but you can't tell him much.

How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to notice that it needs changing, one to prepare a budget, one to sign it off, one to order it from supplies and one to tell their secretary it needs replacing.

Beer and Brain Cells

"Well you see it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.  And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.  Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.  In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.  And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Nice Translations

A few years ago, we purchased a Lawnmower whose instruction booklet came in eleven languages.  Judging by the translations provided for English, Spanish, Italian, German and French, the translating team succeeded well in rendering some of the national characteristics of the various peoples who would use the lawnmower.  A few examples:

• This lawnmower is intended to be used only for mowing lawns.  No other use is recommended.
• Cette tondeuse n'est destinée qu'à la tonte de votre gazon, toute autre utilisation est interdite.
• Questo raserba è destinato al solo taglio dell'erba, tutti gli altri usi sono da considerarsi impropri.
• Dieser Rasenmäher ist nur zur Rasenmähen bestimmt, anderweitige Anwendung ist nicht gestattet.


• Persons who have not read the operating manual should not use the machine.
• Les personnes non familiarisées avec les notices d'utilisation ne sont pas habilitées à se servir de l'appareil. 
• A persone non espert è proibito l'uso dell'apparechio.

• Grass cuttings may be collected in a grassbox.  (The basics)
• Pour une tonte en tout confort, demandez à votre magasin le bac de ramassage.  (On apprécie le confort, et il faut faire marcher le commerce.)
• Con una cesta recogedora se ahorra el rastrillado y la recogida de hierba. (Cortar la hierba, bien, pero no hay que pasarse.)

• For optimum collection, the lawn should be dry and the lawnmower pushed at a brisk walking pace.
• Pour son utilisation efficace, poussez la tondeuse d'un pas accéléré et évitez l'herbe trop haute ou humide.
• Premisa para un buen resultado de recogida es que el césped se encuentre seco y la máquina se conduzca a paso ligero.  (...¡que no hay que pasarse!)

(Brugsanvisning, Håndplæneklipper 28 & 38, 533542.12.00.05)